I renewed my driver’s license the other day, although it has been 13 years since I have been behind the wheel of an automobile. The horror of that fateful day, just 3 days after my 24th birthday, will stay forever in my mind and I have promised myself that I would never take a chance of having the same thing happen again.
When I was 6 years old my teacher told my mom that I didn’t seem to be able to see things as well as the other students. So my mom took me to our local eye doctor who prescribed me a pair of glasses to help me see better. Apparently I required a fairly strong prescription for a 6 year old. After I got glasses I was thrilled. Trees had leaves, buildings had individual bricks and I no longer had to get right up close to a person before I could recognize their face. But these glasses were only a temporary fix, because very shortly I had to get new, stronger glasses. This went on through grade school, and then all the way through high school and I was known to everyone as that kid with the thick glasses. And along the way I received quite a few rather nasty comments about my eyes and my coke bottle glasses so my self-esteem did suffer. I was dragged off to see different eye doctors and the diagnosis was always the same. I had progressive myopia. I might reach a point where it stops increasing once I was in my mid to late 20’s, or I might never have my myopia stop. I wasn’t really worried as long as I could get new glasses that I could see clearly with again, but by the time I came home from teacher’s college that year I turned 24 I was certainly hoping that my glasses didn’t get any thicker. Everyone seemed to stare at me and I felt very self conscious about the thick lenses that I needed in my glasses.
I was able to pass the vision test for my driver’s license soon after I turned 16. Then when I was 17 and I got my full license I passed the eye test again. Our state only required a minimum of 20/40, and I was able to do the 20/30 line with no problem. Then 5 years later, when I was 22 I passed the eye test again, even though my glasses had gotten a bit thicker since the first time.
My mom’s mom was a bit nearsighted so it was likely that my myopia was hereditary. But no one could explain why my eyes were so terribly myopic. It was just something that happened to some people the doctors said. And truthfully I didn’t have any real problems. Sure, I had to have frequent retinal exams to ensure that I didn’t have a retina that was on the verge of detaching, but once I slid my glasses onto my nose I could see pretty much everything I needed to.
I was pretty pumped that year I turned 24. I had finally graduated as a lower school teacher and I had been hired by the local school board. I wasn’t thrilled about having to live at home for a couple of years while I saved up enough money to either buy a house or a condominium, but I knew that by doing this I would be out of debt long before most other kids my age were.
It was 4:30 in the afternoon and I was driving along Porter Lane on my way home at a leisurely pace that was likely just a little under the posted speed limit. The sun was in my eyes a bit as it had just swung around to the west before it would start its decent behind the hills in a few minutes. I saw a little girl walking along the side of the street and then just as I drew up to her a big dog came bounding out from a side yard and jumped on her. She stumbled backwards onto the roadway right into my path, and before I could hit the brakes I could feel an impact. She went flying into the ditch. I pulled over, jumped out of the car and went running over to her. Her head had hit a big rock, and blood was coming out all over. I immediately called 911 and then tried to help her, but her body was lifeless.
The police arrived along with the ambulance and the next couple of hours are just a haze in my memory. No charges were laid, and the accident report was quite clear that this was not my fault.
The way people looked at me after the accident that killed little 9 year old Brittany Soles is forever imprinted in my mind. I am sure that they were just looking at my thick glasses and thinking that the reason little Brittany was killed was because I couldn’t see well enough to have seen her in time. I wished that I could have worn contact lenses instead of my darned glasses and I began to hate myself for having such bad eyesight.
I went to the funeral, and that was agonizing. Again I am sure that everyone was thinking that the blind guy had no right to be driving. What was the worst thing though was that I would have been Brittany’s teacher the next year.
I had no choice. I could not stay in town and face all the people staring at me because of my thick glasses and having them think I had no right to be driving. I went to the head of the school board, and resigned my position – before I even started. I actually think he was relieved and I am sure that he thought the same way as everybody else about my thick glasses being the reason Brittany was dead. I managed to obtain a similar teaching position at a school in the city, although I wasn’t happy about leaving home.
I taught for a couple of years before I stopped having nightmares about Brittany’s death. I had never been an outgoing person, and I had always found it hard to make friends – likely because I was so self conscious about my thick glasses. It would have been a perfect opportunity for me to have gotten contact lenses, but I was cursed with extremely dry eyes as well as being severely nearsighted so contacts were not an option.
I had not driven for 3 years when it was either time to renew my driver’s license or I would have to give it up. I managed to pass the eye test just fine, and I walked out with a new picture that showed me with even thicker glasses again. I had no need to drive in the city, as a bus ran right past my apartment building that took me right to the school where I taught third grade.
During that third year of teaching I began to date a teacher who was at the same school. She seemed to accept my glasses and never pried into how well I could or could not see. She was a tiny little thing, but she sure ruled her classroom with an iron hand. I had also learned that you could not give the students an inch or they would run you ragged, but I don’t think anyone would consider that I ran my classroom at a level that was as strict as she did..
Melanie and I dated for a couple of years before I asked her to marry me. She accepted and we were married in a beautiful old church in her hometown. The wedding wasn’t too well attended because my list of friends was pretty sparse and Mel had been away from home now for a number of years. It was a really nice wedding though and both our families were there in full force.
Although the wedding had been planned for a few months Mel and I had sort of jumped the gun a little. She was a little over 2 months along by the time we made it official and our daughter Ashley was born a little over 6 months later. Melanie had a bit of a hard time with childbirth as she is a small boned lady, but after a c section everything was just fine. Ashley was a very healthy baby and had a voracious appetite for her mother’s milk. Mel took her maternity leave, so she was home with the baby for the first year and was able to breast feed for the entire time. Finally we were able to wean Ashley off breast milk and get her started on solid foods. With that it was possible to leave Ashley with a babysitter, and Mel returned to the classroom.
We were afraid to have another child because Ashley’s birth took a lot out of Mel. So we decided that one child would be enough for us. We purchased a car so that we could go to visit Ashley’s grandparents on weekends, but I insisted on having Mel drive. It was pretty obvious because of my thick glasses that my eyesight wasn’t the greatest, but to her credit she had never made any disparaging remarks towards me, and I loved her even more because of that.
Once a year, on the weekend preceding the anniversary of Brittany’s death I went back to visit my parents and I took the time to go by the graveyard and place flowers on Brittany Soles grave. I tried to do this without involving anyone else, but finally I told Mel the story of how I had hit and killed a child of only 9. After that Mel insisted on coming with me to the cemetery almost every year.
This year on Saturday it will be 13 years to the day that I hit and killed Brittany. It’s going to be a hard visit to her grave, because this coming year my own daughter will be 9 years old. I would hate to have my own daughter die with her whole life to live ahead of her. I sometimes wonder why I bother going to do the eye test and renewing my license every 5 years when I do not ever intend to get behind the wheel of a car again. I suppose that part of me just wants to tell people that my eyesight is still good enough that I can drive if I want to even though my glasses are coke bottle thick. But of course I don’t want to ever place myself in the position again where people take one look at my glasses and condemn me for something that was beyond my control.
As usual Mel drove to town, and we stopped at the flower shop before we went to my parents place. This year after we bought the flowers Ashley asked me why I always bought flowers right around this time of year. I felt that she was now old enough to understand what I was telling her. So I told her the whole story of how I had hit and killed a little girl her age with my car and that every year I went and put flowers on her grave. She was quiet for a while, and then Ashley asked me if she could come with me to say a prayer for her. Mel seemed to think that this would be as good a time as any for me to take Ashley, so she decided she would stay with my parents while Ashley and I went to visit the grave.
We said hi to my mom and dad, and Ashley and I headed for the cemetery. It is a short walk from the house so we were soon at the grave. I let Ashley place the flowers on the grave, and we turned to walk out of the cemetery. Just then I saw a car pull up and an older couple got out and walked right towards us. I almost died. It was Brittany’s parents, and I had been fortunate enough to avoid them since the ceremony. But I was going to have to face them, so I braced myself for a possible confrontation.
“Jeremy, how are you?” Mr. Soles asked.
“Fine Sir, and yourself?” I replied.
“About as well as can be expected Jeremy. Today is a hard day for my wife and I, but I have a feeling that it is a hard day for you as well. If I am not mistaken I think we will find fresh flowers on Brittany’s grave.” Mr. Soles said.
“Yes Sir, you will. I will never forget what happened that day and it helps me to remember her.” I replied.
“My wife and I have suspected that you were the one leaving the flowers every year. We are thankful for your thoughtfulness and I want you to know that we do not blame you. It was an accident and from the police report you were not to blame in any way.” Mr. Soles said.
“There was absolutely nothing I could do to prevent it. But her death has haunted me ever since and I have seen that day flash through my mind time and time again.” I said.
“You have to stop beating yourself up Jeremy. It looks like you have a little girl of your own to take care of. It is time to let this accident rest.” He said.
“I will try to do that, but it is hard. This is my daughter Ashley. She is almost the age that Brittany was when she died.” I answered.
“Are you still driving Jeremy?” Mr. Soles asked.
“I haven’t been behind the wheel of a car since that day. I still have my license, but I just can’t bring myself to drive again.” I told them.
“Oh Jeremy! It wasn’t your fault. Promise us that you will live your own life and forget about this incident.” Mrs. Soles said.
“I will try.” I answered.
I did feel better knowing that Mr. and Mrs. Soles did not blame me for Brittany’s death. I still felt badly about the accident, and I always would but it seemed like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders.
Ashley and I walked back to mom and dads. I told them about my conversation with the Soles and we spent a nice afternoon and evening together. The next day, after a leisurely breakfast we prepared to leave.
Mel was about to get behind the wheel, and I looked at her for a minute.
“Would you mind if I tried my hand at driving Mel?” I asked.
“Just let me know when you have had enough.” Mel replied as she tossed me the keys.
Specs4ever Jan. 2014
https://vision-and-spex.com/life-changed-in-a-flash-t487.html